Tag Archives: self

Cairo and back


I haven over the past 3 weeks been in Cairo. I’m always happy to see my family and friends, some of whom think I have turned Gay because I’m not yet married. While I was indeed married before once (for a few months really) I remain single at the moment, and this is for several reasons which I’m going to spare you. The annoyance surrounding unmarried guys at my age does in fact arise often in Egypt. And my friends who are married, and with no exception having miserable lives are always wondering why have I not been married yet? They are really suffering in very bad relations and stagnant marriages and yet, they just tell me “get married” as if it is some kind of revenge they are pulling on my person. My reply is standard, I just tell them to fix their miserable lives and then comeback and preach marriage when fixing is indeed done. A bunch of losers really, it makes me sad.

While in Cairo, I had the chance to contemplate my life, and I have to say I was not impressed. After many years I continue to do things I’m not passionate about! and that is one serious problem I have repeatedly failed to handle. I move from one thing to the other without real passion, which is emotionally exhausting, and is the antithesis of success. I kind of know what I want to do, but just doing it does not seem possible at the moment. Is it that I should just throw away everything and do the thing I’m passionate about? but that is a serious risk I might not be able to afford given my circumstances. I don’t know! any ideas?




The Egyptian Beat Generation


I waked up today to racing thoughts and memories. Once I opened my eyes, strange thoughts from my other life were racing through my head. My other life was different, I lived in the fast lane and I was invincible. Nothing could stop me, until that moment when the breaks locked and I raced towards the wall, only to hit it so hard.

I believed in ultimate freedom, unrestrained by tradition, religion or mundane moral values. On my trip from 0-100km an hour it seemed like 2 seconds, on which I have met a lot of people but have made zero friends. No one from that period of my life remained a friend when I was picked up from the accident wreck having hit the wall at full speed.

Everything I came across would be rolled and smoked, sniffed, ingested or put in a syringe and injected into my veins. I believed in having fun like there was no tomorrow. Anonymous sex was routine, and in the nights of dizzying highs it didn’t matter whose sweaty body was next to you as long as she didn’t talk much and the music played and played and played. Hush girl, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Sniff this, swallow that and inject this and have a glass of wine for breakfast and eat that swiss cheese while you are at it.

Thoughts raced through my head this morning, and emotions surfaced and roared like a mad sea at sunset. I keep asking myself, could I have done any better? maybe si, maybe no. Probably I will never know, but will every moment keep haunting me? when do I find peace and solace? It is today as elusive as ever.

I rest on the edge of my bed, holding my head between my palms squeezing all those thoughts out. I stand up wash that tired face, get dressed eat this take that and I’m off to my office. Another day in my other, other life has just begun. At my office a good friend is sitting at his desk in front of me, smiles and exchanges morning greetings. It is always good to see him. It is always good to start a new day, a new fight in my other, other life.

Maybe someday, I will be able to make my daemons my friends, and then, I can finally rest.