When love breaks you down…

love

Yes … I was in love. I’m no ordinary person, and I have my own circumstances. The decision to be with somebody is not as simple for me as it is for other people. I loved her, and I tried to stop myself but to no avail. It seemed so real, so true that I close my eyes at night thinking about her, and open my eyes in the morning smiling at her face looming in the horizon from my window.

I know she loved me back, I could see it. She waited for me to take actions, she tried so hard to push me, but I was standing still, paralyzed as if my feet are made of stone. What do I say? how do I tell her that which can make it or break it. I didn’t speak and I stood watching my heart break and tears held refusing to come out. It was long and painful, and the pain I still have is like nothing I ever experienced in my life. But I couldn’t move … I did not recognize that I should have opened up or that I should have said it out loud. If she rejects it, it would have been better than how it all ended.

She gave up, she thought I was not interested. I pushed her away and she tried to stay close but I kept on pushing. She found someone who would take action and it is all over.

I looked at myself in the mirror, shaky as I was and my feet barely carrying me. Never again will I stand still. Never again will I be intimidated by my own circumstances. Nothing will stop me again from following my heart, no matter what the consequences might be. I was wrong, but it is too late. I learned from my life to look forward and to never look backwards. I will look forward and I know I will find my solace. Never again! NEVER damn it!

The Book

I have always wanted to be a writer. I want to write in English, but I’m not a native speaker and this makes it very difficult indeed. I have already started saving money for a writing course, and I think I can do it once I’m finished with my graduate studies which I hope would be towards the year’s end. 

I started a while ago writing a fiction novel. Not much is written so far, but I just took Daniel’s advise seriously after our get together in London, which was to dump everything on paper. The novel is some kind of a thriller drama, a genre which I’m not sure exists. It is usually this or that I think? Nevertheless I decided to go along with it, because perhaps I can invent my own genre, so here is hoping. Writing fiction, I have found, is a craft that can be learned. Of course you do need the talent, but I think this is what I have, and what I lack is the technical skill to do it. A writing course for me is then a good starting point to improve my skills. 

The novel has the general theme of how, as we all do, bump into each others in life changing each others perceptions of life. I particularly deal with a young man torn between east and west, and between common sense values and traditional inherited values. I particularly deal with how single events can have the butterfly effect on one’s life, all packed in a thriller that I hope to make page turning. This of course is not me as you would perhaps presume. But it is about me watching life from my own little corner, so it will be me, you and everyone else hitting into each others in life. I’m a believer that life is indeed stranger than fiction, wouldn’t you agree?

I have been reading a lot lately, mostly about belief, religion, and the human endeavor. But, in my last birthday one of the gifts I received was an Obama book “Dreams of my father” which was given to me but one of my European friends. I took no offense, for he sees me perhaps as a black person 🙂 while I’m not black, I’m actually brown (worse I think?). I’m now halfway through the book and I think it is vivacious, and a real good read. This Obama is a good man down at the bottom. No matter how he does during his term in office, he managed to gain my respect.

On another account, Swine flu is here in continental Europe, and I better be more careful because an infection would almost certainly kill me. My first precaution? I wear masks in public transport (I know, I know, I’m malleable). I do look funny since almost no one else is doing it, but I take it, I’m not like everyone else so I’d rather be more careful. It is serious, and although I asserted at Daniel’s blog that it will not infect Muslims 😛 I’m not however sure about agnostics! Wear your tin foil hats folks, the plague is here.

Cairo and back

cairo6

I haven over the past 3 weeks been in Cairo. I’m always happy to see my family and friends, some of whom think I have turned Gay because I’m not yet married. While I was indeed married before once (for a few months really) I remain single at the moment, and this is for several reasons which I’m going to spare you. The annoyance surrounding unmarried guys at my age does in fact arise often in Egypt. And my friends who are married, and with no exception having miserable lives are always wondering why have I not been married yet? They are really suffering in very bad relations and stagnant marriages and yet, they just tell me “get married” as if it is some kind of revenge they are pulling on my person. My reply is standard, I just tell them to fix their miserable lives and then comeback and preach marriage when fixing is indeed done. A bunch of losers really, it makes me sad.

While in Cairo, I had the chance to contemplate my life, and I have to say I was not impressed. After many years I continue to do things I’m not passionate about! and that is one serious problem I have repeatedly failed to handle. I move from one thing to the other without real passion, which is emotionally exhausting, and is the antithesis of success. I kind of know what I want to do, but just doing it does not seem possible at the moment. Is it that I should just throw away everything and do the thing I’m passionate about? but that is a serious risk I might not be able to afford given my circumstances. I don’t know! any ideas?

 

 

The Egyptian Beat Generation

the_beat_generation

I waked up today to racing thoughts and memories. Once I opened my eyes, strange thoughts from my other life were racing through my head. My other life was different, I lived in the fast lane and I was invincible. Nothing could stop me, until that moment when the breaks locked and I raced towards the wall, only to hit it so hard.

I believed in ultimate freedom, unrestrained by tradition, religion or mundane moral values. On my trip from 0-100km an hour it seemed like 2 seconds, on which I have met a lot of people but have made zero friends. No one from that period of my life remained a friend when I was picked up from the accident wreck having hit the wall at full speed.

Everything I came across would be rolled and smoked, sniffed, ingested or put in a syringe and injected into my veins. I believed in having fun like there was no tomorrow. Anonymous sex was routine, and in the nights of dizzying highs it didn’t matter whose sweaty body was next to you as long as she didn’t talk much and the music played and played and played. Hush girl, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Sniff this, swallow that and inject this and have a glass of wine for breakfast and eat that swiss cheese while you are at it.

Thoughts raced through my head this morning, and emotions surfaced and roared like a mad sea at sunset. I keep asking myself, could I have done any better? maybe si, maybe no. Probably I will never know, but will every moment keep haunting me? when do I find peace and solace? It is today as elusive as ever.

I rest on the edge of my bed, holding my head between my palms squeezing all those thoughts out. I stand up wash that tired face, get dressed eat this take that and I’m off to my office. Another day in my other, other life has just begun. At my office a good friend is sitting at his desk in front of me, smiles and exchanges morning greetings. It is always good to see him. It is always good to start a new day, a new fight in my other, other life.

Maybe someday, I will be able to make my daemons my friends, and then, I can finally rest.

Soothing!!

Listening to Clinton talking about US foreign policy in her last visit to Europe is really really really soothing, calming and simply uplifting. No more comments!

A Brief History of Time

phil_wisdom-lost

When I was very young, I used to think the voice of the man reciting Quran on the Radio was the voice of God talking. And when I was told it is not, it sort of confirmed my preexisting suspicion that something was not in order. The words made no sense to me, and were just ramblings, but the voice of the old famous Egyptian reciter was particularly annoying. I was told I was an intelligent child who asked lots of questions, about everything. I remember when I was plus or minus 6 years old having healthy skepticism about everything around me, and this included God, so I always took the matter with a grain of salt, seriously! my little mind wouldn’t buy the answers I was getting. I used to read a lot of books about science, inventors, inventions and history of sciences. It was a marvelous world, and I spoiled many household items trying to be the inventor of my dreams. 

I remember vividly my dissatisfaction with the answers I was receiving about the God questions. Answers that to me were insubstantial, unfulfilling and sometimes felt like plain old fairy tales. You might wonder how can a kid so young distinguish between what is logical and what is fairy tales, but you would not wonder if you would have seen the types of books I used to read on science as a very young child. To give you an example, in a gathering of just pre-school kids, I met this evidently dumb lad who was blubbering about how rain is the result of the winter Camel fighting the summer Camel!! Having known for a considerable while, why it rains I was to say the least disgruntled by this stupid piece of childhood standing before me. Alas, I failed to change his mind, nevertheless such forms of rather common childhood fairy tales were for me always out of question.

When I was about 17 It dawned on me that this whole god business was a farce! and that there apparently is no one watching. Which I should tell you was such a revelation when you are 17, for one, because suddenly you can do all the BIG no no stuff your mama warned you against. And boy, did I have a good time? By that age I was not aware of the word atheist, but I later realized I was a hard core one. Thinking about it in retrospect, I think It was rather unusual for a kid to come up with such a revolutionary idea out of my own ass, with no external influences whatsoever!

I remained with this godless mind-set till I was about 24. By that time I was unusually out spoken about it. A dear girl friend of mine back in college was horrified when she realized I was a non believer. Her first reaction was, so what if you die now? do you know what happens to you? I did not give a damn! a few days later she came back to me with an offer. Her dad who is a self-proclaimed intellect is offering me a meeting at his fine office in an attempt to discuss the matter with me. No strings attached! I loved debating and I thought it was a good idea to meet the old man and so I did. Long story short, I came, I saw, I conquered. The man gave up and told his daughter this guy is dangerously smart. I met him again later once, after which he was imprisoned for business fraud, and I never saw him again.

My reading directions where shifting with time, and for some reason (perhaps hormonal?) I became bit by bit more spiritual. As a result I read tons of books on Judaism, Christianity and Islam along with other obscure teachings of eastern overweight gods. To be honest, the same way my letting go of god was a revelation, it dawned on me one day that I was wrong. Long story short, out of purely objective analysis I became a Muslim. It was the most coherent and well formed story I could find. And believe me when I say it, it had nothing to do with coming from a Muslim family. I was bold enough to have been a Scientologist if that had made any damn sense, but the Xenu thing was very improbable indeed!

Time passed and I became more of a believer everyday. There was even a time when I prayed 5 times a day…at the mosque, mind you! two years passed and to be honest after like half a year or so, I could not suppress that bad ass skepticism anymore. It kept on nagging me. I was having more questions than I could find answers. And although I held a firm belief Islam was the most logical thing out there, I still could not swallow it whole. Some things about Islam are just so damn true, you can not help but stop and wonder about them. There was a time when I even thought we could be an experiment of another higher civilization (which was an idea of a novel I actually attempted to write), if those intriguing facts about Islam are to come from anybody, then it must be a higher civilization. So what about the parts that are hard to swallow? oh you see, this higher civilization is just conducting experiments (I’m sparing you the details of the experiments), and this is why they give you some logical stuff to believe, and some which are fairies and they watch as supposedly intelligent beings suspend their minds and buy this which should not be bought. I’m blubbering right? but what is a blog for? huh?

My current agnosticism which I hold dearly, is the result of a long journey that has not yet ended and I have no idea where it is taking me. If I have learned anything through it, it is the courage to follow your mind. Should I also listen to my heart while I follow my mind? I guess I should, but I do not know what the heck that means anyway! Does the idea of religion seem logical to everyone by heart and we have to be educated out of it? or are we educated into it? For me, I was certainly a very objective, neutral young boy.

Tribute to Gaza

For those who claim Arabs are the haters, and are oblivious to realities of their world I dedicate these images which tell the story of everyday life for Palestinians. Extremism is everywhere and the world is in a madman situation. Gaza is no better than the west bank when it comes to daily humiliation. Imagine being born in this, would you really want to live?

Check the short photo gallery here